HealthEvolution

I’d always been overweight my whole life.  Maybe not as a very young child, but certainly by elementary school, by the age of 8, I was aware and accepting of the fact that I was indeed “fat” and that I liked food very much.  I didn’t feel guilty about it, though, probably because I was too young to have those socially-induced ideas about who I was dictate how I felt about myself.  Somewhere in my young teenage years, however, I started feeling this negativity about my own body - I didn’t like the way I looked, I felt resentful and jealous of people who looked good, and I used food to placate these feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt, and pain.   After high school, this was simply my status quo and through 5 very tumultuous years of college the situation grew even more and more out of my conscious control.  When I finally did have to step on a scale at the doctor’s office, I was even more discouraged than ever before. 

 I knew I was big, I knew that I was shopping at Lane Bryant, wearing a size 24 jeans and an XXL shirt, I knew about the food I was consuming - almost daily binges (mostly pizza, fast food, alcohol, and really anything that was completely indulgent, fatty, and delicious) but I never wanted to “see” the consequences in the mirror and so I didn’t.  I didn’t have any idea that my weight had exceeded 300 pounds and I didn’t want to face it. 

 Because I wasn’t willing to face the mirror or the scale, I couldn’t begin to formulate a way out of this.  It was impossible. 

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