HealthEvolution

Throughout my adolescence, and especially in my high school and college years, I had been in a state of poor health.  Besides my weight problems (which I believed to be unimportant and not affecting my health) I was constantly catching a cold.  Without exaggeration, I was probably getting a cold every 2 months, maybe even more often in college.  These colds were extremely severe - lasting a week or two and forcing me to feel completely miserable, missing a lot of school and work.  More importantly, they just reinforced the idea that I was a victim in this world.  Stress and circumstances made me feel chronically tired, sick, exhausted, drained, and depressed.  I didn’t, however, know how to solve my problems or change my circumstances.  I was in school, working two jobs, and trying to balance money and old relationships and frendships that were draining me.  The only way I dealt with my stress at the end of the day was by enjoying food. 

This had been an habitual behavior since childhood, and was absolutely part of my unhealthy lifestyle.  Eating was the only time I had to relax - and I used food just like a drug to placate me.  The more stressed I was, the more fatty, delicious, indulgent foods I would choose to consume.  I told myself I deserved that - I deserved to eat whatever made me feel better because I was dealing with such a high number of stressors in my day-to-day experience.  So, whether it was chowing a cheeseburger during my lunch break or going home to eat an entire large pizza in the quiet comfort of my own apartment, I was slowly poisoning myself with drugs of a different sort.  I wanted that feeling of comfort, satisfaction, and peace in my life and i got those feelings only when I ate.  I was addicted to eating.  I couldn’t stop even though I knew it was bad for me, I didn’t care and I didn’t want to go without it.  I needed to deal with my emotional issues and instead of dealing with them in a more permanent and valid way, I was using escapism and one of the most powerful drugs that we have in America…food. 

I think that most people behave like this in some way, using food to fuel their emotional wants and needs more than their physical ones.  Some of this can be attributed to our cultural beliefs and the images we get from media and other people, but that’s another blog for another day.  For me, I was forced to start dealing with my addiction when I got sick for the final time.  I ended up with tonsilitis that was chronic and so severe that I simply couldn’t swallow.  I couldn’t swallow a french fry and I couldn’t swallow chocolate cake.  I couldn’t eat chicken and I couldn’t eat vegatables.  I couldn’t eat shit and I had a complete breakdown.  Physically and emotionally I was bankrupt- for the first time I was actually physically depleted and hungry and I could no longer solve my stress, anxiety, anger, and issues by eating.  I erupted into a mess of emotional baggage that I’d been shoving down my own throat for years and now I couldn’t deny it any longer.  I had to change. 

   While driving to work one morning, I looked over to the next car and in the driver’s seat was an old friend who I hadn’t seen in years - a strange coincidence, I thought, because I had just been thinking about him earlier in the day.  After arriving at work, I overheard some of my co-workers saying something about how nothing in the world is really an accident, and that there are no coincidences, we actually control our circumstances - usually completely subconsciously.  I couldn’t help but interject after my experience earlier that day, and find out what they were talking about.  They handed me a movie called The Secret and just said, if you haven’t seen this, watch it tonight.  After work, I went home and watched that movie - it changed my perspective so profoundly and so quickly that I really can’t describe it.  I was joyously overwhelmed and immediately started it over and watched it a second time.    

I can, and will, write many many more articles detailing the ways in which I connected the teachings of The Secret to weight loss, but for now, let me just say that it taught me more in 2 hours that I’d ever understood in a lifetime of struggle.  For the FIRST time in my life I was able to imagine, if only in a quick flash of happiness, what my life could be like.  I realized that something different was actually possible and that my circumstances were simply the results of past thoughts and choices.   I saw a way out - I saw that I had the power to change what was wrong, that I’d been controlling it all along.  You know, people who are overweight often embrace that as a part of who they are - in a very personal way.  I defined myself as a fat girl!  I loved food and I was always the smartest, funniest, and coolest chick amongst any crowd of skinny little bitches.  I considered that to be part of who I was (and so it was) because that’s who I’d been my entire life.  Always the chubby girl, so I just embraced it and declared that to be the core of me. 

Secretly, however, I hated it.  I longed for something different and even though I could acknowledge the good qualities of my spirit and character, I still deeply resented myself for the way I looked.  Because I had been identifying myself as that person for so long, I had actually continued to create it as my reality.  My thoughts and beliefs about who I was dictated my words and actions - and because I had the thoughts and beliefs of a fat girl, I talked and acted like one, too.  Those actions caused me to remain one.  It’s really that simple.  Immediately, I realized that I had to shed the old ideas about who I am, and change the foundation of my beliefs about the person I was because I wasn’t really that person after all.  There was a reason I hated looking in a mirror or at a photograph of myself…because that person I saw in the image wasn’t ME.  I knew that wasn’t who I was supposed to be - it wasn’t who I wanted to be.  I hated the way that person looked and it didn’t really represent who I was at all!  I think most people (especially women) feel this way when they look at a picture of themselves and say things like, “Oh, that’s a terrible angle,” or, “I look so fat in this picture, gross!” 

I realized that if I was going to change who I was, I had to stop identifying with that old image.  I was no longer going to be that big girl, I wasn’t meant to be that fat girl, that person who I’m looking at doesn’t represent the real ME.  I realized that in order to change my body, I had to first change my mind - start thinking of myself in a fundamentally different way.  Stop associating myself with those big girls who I surrounded myself with to comfort me, and declare that I actually belonged with the cute skinny girls.  I really was small inside!  I began replacing the standards inside my head with new ones - a tall, strong, lean size 2.  I started noticing all the girls who were my height and very thin, and for the first time, instead of resenting them, I respected them.  In my mind, and later out loud, I called anyone who fit a certain height and weight proportion as “Future Me”.  This kind of visualization gave me a real subject to see, made me change the characteristics that I previously identified myself with, and strengthened my beliefs about what was actually possible. 

  Welcome to the HealthEvolution Blog!

Two years ago, I looked in a mirror and found that I was trapped.  Life was completely dictated by my circumstances and I was miserable.  I hated my life and I hated myself, and the fact that I weighed more than 300 pounds could be blamed on no one else but me.  I didn’t know how to change.  I didn’t want to change.  I was depressed, addicted, and completely alone. 

Through this blog I will share my story with you; a story about healing, hope, and happiness.  I feel like I’ve discovered the secret to success in an area where so many people are struggling and I want to tell the world everything I know.  To date, I’ve lost 150 pounds and changed my life completely.  No, I didn’t have gastric bypass surgery or go on some ridiculous diet plan.  I didn’t go to the gym every day or get a personal trainer.  I simply woke up something inside of myself - passion, enthusiasm, pride, and love.   I experienced something of an enlightenment and it launched me into an uplifting world of change and opened up new possibilities for me.  I discovered the potential for success in area of my life that had always controlled me.  I discovered just how great my life could - and should - be.  Can’t wait to share more!